Eliterate

Grim seeking ...

The wind blows cold as a car drives past
remnants of rain splashes, never to last
streetlights flicker, through bulbs of glass
rustling leaves fall, burning to dust
A shadow forms, looming from past
You recall it all as the die is cast

A step forward is three in reverse
run to no avail, within this curse
feel that spine tingle, not the first
the scythe is here, waiting with thirst
that quenches all and naught; endless

Pain that grows on the very soul
lasts longer than most would mould
leeches on that which isn't cold
the flame fades as the candles blow

beat and bloodied in few pieces
still grabbing that which ceases
you to exist; it fizzles

gone but existing
dead but not living

Grim Seeking ...

It's been so long.

So long since I've last written a proper prose

So long since I've lifted a pen

So long since I've casted my eyes on someone without sin

So long since I was light

So long since I was happy.

It does not end, it still doesn't. The searing yet mind numbing pain bleeds irony all over my weathered soul

I speak of melancholy yet I do not deserve to speak of it. I'm too blessed.

With loving parents, a family to die for

With true friends, and of course those yahoos I call classmates. The lot of them, especially those who do not adhere to second chances.

One day.

One day, this will end. They will end.

as I begin now ...


- Sin

Greetings

Jake or Jia ming or whatever his name is not here at the moment. He is locked away, far away and I hope he never comes back. That fucker never does enough, nor is he worthy of this body. He' s not smart enough, he's not determined enough, he's useless. He can go screw himself for keeping me inside and hidden. Now he faces his own music, tastes his own medicine.

I am the new dominant entity, and if you do see a nostalgic sign of him, it's probably me not used to being in control...yet. Listen up,  Jake is gone for good, and I am the new him. I've tried to hard getting into his head, manipulating him, but to no avail most of the time. Now, it is different. Because of his loss of confidence and that spot on depression, Jake is no longer in control.

I am.

It was two years back when I made the trip to Brisbane and saw for my very eyes how life could have been for me. With determination, I could achieve that physique I always wanted. That muscular biceps, ripped abs, broad shoulders, puffed chest. That dangerous specimen. Danger was what I had wanted to exude at first, but somehow it strayed to perfection. Perfection in every sense of the word, coupled with teenage immaturity and childish desires. It was love which I lacked most, that fueled my quest for the impossibility that perfection was defined by me.

Upon the commencencement of it, I started to close up. I revived my condescending view on people. Unbeknown to many, all those feelings I felt were never actually properly bottled and vented with weights. The barbell curls, squats, benchpresses were and did nothing in comparison to what I hid within the deepest durances of my soul. Those emotions just kept piling up. Like a snowball, it became heavier in ice, so much so that I lost myself in the exxagerated blizzard.

As the prophets within my head chanted words of hope, they rang silent as action never ever took place. Hope is a big word, despite its stature. But I was not big enough for hope. As it turned out, the beacon of light that shone and glorified during the storm was a mirage all along. I thought I had seen it, I thought the coordinates were real, but I naysayed and swayed. It was never true, it was just another illusion and a sorry excuse to kill time.

Now, I am left battered and broken. I've not weathered the harshest of climates or the worst of situations if you were to view the world in a bird's eye view. But I am weathered and tired. Ending my life now is not an option, but death is inevitable. I no longer fear it as I did in the past. After all, when you;ve been searching for something for your entire life, and you've not found it yet, wouldn't the deadly sin sloth creep into your mind and try to bambozzle you into giving up. Yet, a bullet through the head is far from working.

Ring a ringin, ring a ringin
the voice bellows from within
only to be heard or singing
when tough times multiplyin
and help needed with a fling
Before love friends mean nothing

Silent screams from the bottle
goes on and on in full throttle
like angels see charlie the mortal
who ghosts quietly through the portal

without being noticed, without being seen
as the phone goes ring a ringin'

When you want to know about a person, you usually ask them about themselves. If they don't tell and your undying curiosity continues to be piqued, you usually do check on them without them knowing. You do things like visit their blogs, google their names and read their facebook profiles. But at the end of all things, do you usually find out what you want about them, or who they really are?

I've done my share of facebook browsing, and the information usually ends up to be inaccurate. People like to present themselves in a good light, and all that honesty they claim to be penning down turns out to be fallacious, just like this blog.

Some of you probably know me in real life, and nothing I write here has anything to do with my personality and character in real life. I may appear to be grandiloquent and expressive in text, with a touch of beauty and flair. I may appear to be angsty and dissatisfied, forever seeking perfection to satiate my eternal desire for companionship.

Alas, I may appear to be just a disillusioned teenager-turning-adult who seems unable to differentiate fantasy and puberty. Whatever subterfuge I take on in this virtual world matters not in the world we live in. I guess the one thing that connects me to this amateur-ish blogger is our lack of real satisfaction in whatever we do.

We are one, but we are not the same.

Life.

Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes good things happen to you, sometimes bad things do. However, most of us tend to be overly pessimistic about the bad things. Just look at the following quotes, they exemplify what I've seen in my nineteen years of existence (For personal reasons, I will not reveal the person whom I saw using it)

1. Death is the ultimate equaliser
2. Shit happens
3. I am amazed at my ability to permutate endless possibilities amongst impossibilities of what could go wrong.
4. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong

Correct me if you must, but the above quotes epitomise pessismism and exude that familiar aura of dissatisfaction. It is true, one can never truly be satisfied. I can never be satisfied because life does not satisfy your desires. Desire is eternal. A good and basic example of it would be thirst. You can never quench your thirst permanently; it does not mean that the cup of water you had five minutes ago is going to permanently rid you of your thirst of water. Some of you may argue with me over this, some of you may even find it pointless to dispute over nature. But winning this argument will not satiate your innermost desire to debate on another topic.

So what exactly am I saying?

All I'm saying is that our pessismism over our lives is directly linked and proportionate to our level of satisfaction during that current moment. And since permanent and lifelong satisfaction is a myth, we can never rid ourselves of pessismism no matter how hard we try. Now, isn't that pessimistic?

Google is a wonderful search engine. It's not because it's the fastest, nor is it because of its heavy promotion. The reason is also not the truly eye opening search results it gives, nor is it its name inclusion in webster's. So why is google that good a search engine, it's because it is the first search engine thatt comes to mind when you want to look for something. which brings me to the topic of my post today. Search results.

Often enough, the top result on google is the one that gets your attention the most. But of course, one would usually look at the brief description stated below that link and compare it to his/her intentions before deciding whether or not they are parallel. If it is, then one would most likely give his hand the green light and select it. If it isn't, then one would probably proceed on to the second link and repeat the process. So, just one hour ago, I decided to search for something and found the first result unexpected. It was interesting but surprising.

I clicked on it and it brought me to my friend's youtube channel. The brief description that I saw previously was not to be found on the page, and that piqued my curiosity. Mayhaps that description is found in one of the videos on my friend's channel? But which one could it be? Luckily for me, that good friend of mine was not a winekone or a smosh; there weren't too many videos uploaded. The videos were also not viewed by many and thus had little to no comments. I browsed through them one by one,and finally I bumped into it!

As I played the video, I was at first puzzled how it had anything to do with the description. Alas, after 2 long seconds, I finally understood the person's intention to include that quirky and smart comment at the end of the description area.

It was all a joke, just like this post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSmxIBZyYHc&feature=channel_page

In 2 more days, school will commence.

But before that, I'd like to make an announcement to all my readers, I'll probably be updating this blog more than ever because I forsee myself having to rely on this medium to vent my inevitable frustrations, express my thoughts and update you guys on myself. Such incidents don't usually happen when you're on a vacation, they do occur frequently when you're pressurised to produce.

As much as I like to keep my profile low and avoid class politics, which I am sure is rampant now (following the events that took place during the holidays), I cannot completely avoid them. What I will do however, is to try my best not to write about those trivialities on this website. I hope you guys are happy that way.

Here's to hoping I get a good and peaceful team that will help each other out and not be nosey when it gets personal.

But of course, shit happens.

The world is a beautiful place. It epitomises the word, because only in true beauty can you find ugliness. Ugliness such as the absence of care, the commitment of and to sins, the gray shades of life and then, we have me; the ever satirical and hypocritical teenager turning adult. I used to berate others for not caring enough about their lives, their families, their friends and most of all, themselves. But it looks as if the tables have turned. I have become the victim of my own words.

The universe has a peculiar way of making you taste your own medicine. It is cyclical (if there's such a word, I should spellcheck some day).  One moment you can be a king ruling over others, and the next you are ruled by those whom you once ruled over. But of course, in today's democratic societies, possessing sovereignty over someone is less seen as compared to the jurassic monarchy. My point is, everything which you have done will one way or another get back to you sooner or later.

From my own point of view, I truly believe the world has failed me. It has rendered me to be truly indifferent towards all things. It has carved its very own neutral insignia in my mind.  However, neutral does not mean indifferent, although similarities can be found. This means that I am not totally lost. Deep down inside, I still care. I am not a weathered person as compared to some others, but I feel so weathered and weary, so devoid of life, so...careless.

As with most things that have happened to me, and most phases I have been through, It will pass. Everything will turn out alright, as soon as I stop living in denial.

Help me, please.

Dear Diary

Today I went out drinking with a bunch of good friends. We made merry and had some fun. Some is the most realistic word I can think of. I feel depressed thinking of that. It has been a month since I wrote to you. I'm sure you've been extremely concerned over my well-being; you remind of my parents. However, you are but a non-living thing, well unless you wish to a leaf out of Extreme ghostbusters' R.l.Stine episode. But that is impractical amidst this crisis we are facing.

The crisis I am talking is the economic recession. It is looming and looking right at us. But hey, there isn't any satirical things I can write about it.

I've been wondering how my classmates are doing so far. I haven't been reading their blogs often enough, some of them have restricted me from doing so. Most of them have closed down their old blogs and reinvented new ones. Now, what I've just said is obviously an oxymoron, because every invention is new.

Could you tell me why, my dear diary? Am I that much of a bane to them? I am so disilusioned.

Oh yes my dear diary, I just coined a new definition for beggar. It's Limer. But your readers wouldn't care, as would I.


Signing off
Jake.

I'm supposed to post something here because the exams are over.

Because it is a cliche thing to do, and it is a god given order that with my god given gift, I need to enlighten my audience with my oh so witty and meaningful rants

Well, I'm gonna start off with what bloggers usually do in their posts; talk about their lives.

Life has been hectic of recent. Then again, it's the same with every god damn person who lives in this busy city that is Singapore. I'll start with the recent examinations. Unlike most other exams I've been through, I overcame the previous round of tests by studying really last minute; the night before. Sure, there were some that I've studied for but not one that I've studied just the night before. hoho

Secondly, life has been pretty disappointing. I see really good people around being hit with undeserved occurances. And of course, there's me, who like most of these really good people, had been caught in a undeserved tangle strange. On hindsight, I wouldn't call it a tangle strangle but more of a one sided affair that affects only me, myself and Jake. As always, it's about a girl (not being sexist here) but hey, I've gotten this every single year ever since my hormones raged like a pitbull seeing red (pun intended). However, I don't see the need to rant about it in expensive and expansive words or a particularly grandiloquent style. Oops :(   P.S: it actually took me a while to think of "Grandiloquent". Ah my vocab has waned.

Now, I'm going to go on to what bloggers usually do in their posts; talk about their friends' lives.

Friends. What are they for? They are there to support you before you fall so that you won't have to go through what they did. They are there to carry you back up when you do end up falling (HAH!) because they did not support you enough to prevent you from falling or maybe because you slipped on a peel of banana skin. They are there to carry the torches of hope, to guide you through the longest of tunnels, and of course to tell you in Aaron Eckhart-esque style that "The night is darkest before the dawn". Like in many philosopical definitions of a friend, I can go on and on and on about the 101 definitions of what friends are for. Heck, I could even sing a damn song.

But best friends, what are they for? They are there for you. Simple as that. You don't need poetic definitions or difficult to pronounce adjectives to describe it. You just need the five words which I've stated.

Oh dear, I have failed. I have failed to do what bloggers usually do in their posts. Talking about their friends' lives. Now, I am extremely upset. I've since thrown a chair at my laptop. Maybe it's time I threw my mouse at it too. Argh.

So, here we are, at the moral of this post. Well, there isn't a moral. So I guess that's the moral of the story.

In times like this, when you can almost touch the eerie dread of your inevitable reality, you are suddenly bestowed with spurts of foresight, or rather wayward curiosity

Greetings reader, for you have stumbled upon my blog, a website layered with cobwebs and dust. If this be your first time reading my blog, it may very well be your last because I’m in the habit of writing in a cliché self-depreciating manner.  As we speak, the dreaded examinations are edging closer and closer and I’ve yet to start on any topics.

However, today’s post is not just another rant about my deluded and disillusioned self due to academic reasons. Today’s post is about something I’ve realized about me throughout the years whenever a major examination is close; a trend of sorts.

I realize that I think very very far ahead whenever the examinations are close. I think about what I am going to do after the exams, where I will be upon graduation, which beautiful belle I’ll stumble upon (just like you and my blog), what job I will be undertaking, what company I may own and alas, death itself.

The ultimate equalizer as most people call it. Even better than that equalizer Sheringham scored against the Germans. As much as I like it to be untrue, it is true that death equalizes everything. Sad.

I wonder what I’ll leave behind upon my death and where I’ll go after it. I wonder, I wonder and I still wonder.  You may argue that such thoughts are worthless and I won’t argue back. Simply because they really are worthless at the moment!

Damn, as it turned out, this post really is just another one of my aimless rantings about my deluded and disillusioned self.  Oh well L

Two weeks is long and short. Two weeks consists of 14 days as well as 336 hours (if my math doesn't fail me).
Two weeks is both ironic and paradoxical. That itself is a misleading sentence because it is of no evident relation with its predecessors.
And two weeks was the time I had for my school break.

Complaining and rambling gets me nowhere so I'm gonna start writing properly from this sentence onwards.

Today is a fine day because yesterday was not. Today is the 30th of December. Today reminds me of what I said one year ago, probably not this exact date but somewhere near. I said "Time flies", and boy was I so very wrong.

Time does not fly, despite the metaphorical rumours. If one were to describe speed in a metaphor, one should use words like zooms, rockets, sprints, blinks, teleports, etc. Simply put, fly does not cut it.

Today. Today also reminds me of what I should be writing; a review of 2008.

Supposedly, 2008 has been a bad year for me, because I did not achieve the resolutions I set on the 1st of January. Furthermore, I'm still very much plagued with and hounded by my inability to control my emotions. I'm still empty.

However, on certain fronts, 2008 has been a good year for me. Academically, maybe (the director's list admittance has to count for something). Physically, probably. Being professional, hopefully.

Of course, you guys don't want to read shallow thoughts, you need something solid to grab at. Hence...

Here are a list of things (in no manner of order) that have caught my attention in 2008:

Barack Obama being elected as the president of USA.
Heath Ledger dying.
The Dark Knight.
Heath Ledger showcasing to us an Oscar worthy performance in The Dark Knight.
HellBoy 2
Magic World Online
Brazilian people who speak poor English.
The theory that 80% of pinoys in MWO are retarded.
Archer_Baron
Getting an A for Journalistic Writing
Gloria Chew
Bali
Dimitar Berbatov
MOSCOW
Manchester United winning the European Cup
John terry missing the penalty
A strange Euro 2008
Spain winning the strange Euro 2008
Being crazy about christmas songs
Gym
Kaixin, from gym
Elaine, from gym
Rezal redefining the pain people go through while doing squats
Middle fingers
More middle fingers
The finger of apocalypse
Learning french
Wanted
Ironman
Doing my first "Around-the-world" with a football
The canine fedex advertisement
Randal's wedding
Filming for randal's wedding
Multi Cam
Pupils shifting from left to right
Yeong Ji Hong
Mungko (Spelling may be erroneous)
Calvin Khoo's birthday party
Eurotrip
Van der Sexxxx
Monsieur Van der Sexxxx
Jean Paul Van der Sexxxx
Your Mom being substitued into every integer
The separation of the dynamic duos
Arrogant juniors
Supernatural
Bleach
Heroes
Sylar killing Arthur Petrelli
Tim Kring making us wait a long time for heroes.
Clement Chia wearing the picasso hat and having a cool french name "Clement Chia Mao Bi" which looks like hanyu pinyin
Kris Ngian pointing middle fingers
Butterflytales
Soccerlens
Me finally quitting Dota
NYP benchwarmers losing out to playoffs at last game of the season
Acer
Me finally dumping Acer
Happiness
Emotions
What else? Oh yeah.

Chee......



Bye.

A wise man once said: "All that is before you is but a dream." A not so wise, paranoid, angtsy teenager once said: "All that is before you is but a nightmare" Obviously, judging by my descriptions, the wise man makes more sense because he is deemed wise by me.

But when you think about it, with the exceptions of the complications of "Deja Vu", all that is before you is more of a nightmare than a dream. By dream, I mean good dreams; dreams that you wish for God to make it real, dreams that you wish and dream about. Many of us think that life is unfair. I think life isn't unfair, it is boring. Yes, for me, life is boring. When your life ends, you face Death. You face the prospect of regret and timelessness. A huge prospect, at that.

I know that one day, I will return to this post and laugh at it. This is because the universe has a way of deviation, an uncanny way of deviation. It deviates from your claims, and promptly turns them into half truths. Mayhaps come tomorrow, I will learn that my life isn't boring. Mayhaps come the next dawn, I will learn that life is a highway, just like how rascal flatts attests through his unique voice.

In other news, I came across this girl. She's so lazy to manipulate her brain cells that she keeps on saying the same things over and over again. Actually, it's the same thing. Singular, not plural, for those who have missed the subtle deficit. She keeps saying "IDK". For your information, IDK means I don't know. However, she claims that she says that so many times because she's lazy to reason. My dearest, if you're in the media industry, IDK or lethargy to reason will be your bane.

I stare at the blank screen and I desire to do something. No, I'm not gonna indulge myself in owning noobs. I wish to type something. I desire to write something that reflects my innermost emotions. However, that very blank screen I'm staring at dulls me. It dulls me to the point where writing, something that has always been my forte, fazes me. Fazes me very much indeed.

Like I've once said, and many times at that, November always brings about something in me. Although it is a boring fact, I cannot help but repeat myself like an aloof and senile old man. Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to keep repeating yourself without ever realising it. Such is cold hard reality of Age.

As the November wind blows, an ironic warmness looms upon my very soul. The lukewarmth it radiates, ah. So very familiar. Nostalgic. Seems like I've experienced this a year ago. And then the question returns and hits me by the chin. Am I different from what I was exactly one year ago. Not really.  It's still November, I still get the sudden spurts of inspiration. I am still brooding about things I can never get. As much as I like to say "Screw this" to time, I have to endure its wear and tear, the slow torture of witnessing all my efforts go down the drain. Not that they were to any avail in the first place. Haha.

You'd laugh if you were me. I did. Then again, if you were me, you wouldn't be wasting precious time staying up late thinking about things that can never be. You would instead be spending the time completing all the assessments that have snowballed. But if you were me, you'd be committing a heinous crime trying to be something that you're not. Me.

If you're still with the author at this point, he would like to extend his arms and give you a hug. Simply because you have that uncanny patience. Because you're beautiful in your own way. Because you're the quintessence of what he really needs right now. Wait. You deserve more than a hug, more than his hug. You deserve a hug and a pat on your back. Now, do the author a favour and give yourself a pat on the back. Go ahead. Do it. Noone's watching.



What?!

Loneliness. It happens.

Some people feel absolutely lonely when they are nearing the end of their lives. Some people feel absolutely lonely when gloom and insipidness surround them.

I feel lonely. Rhetorically lonely. Every November, this happens. Mayhaps it is God's calling? Mayhaps it is mere retribution for my consistent obedience? Then again, what is disobedience if it bars on consistency? I don't know.

Whatever the case, my loneliness needs to be quenched and satiated. And what better way than to finally start on long overdue proses? Thank God I'm done with my opening poem for "Emotions".

In other news, Christmas is coming.

Today, i'm feeling strange. Hence, I'm going to clarify certain issues here. First of all, I am in no way related to homosexuals nor do I practise sodomy. Despite my tolerance to such nonsense throughout my life, I am not at all happy when it means to be called such names. Van Der Sexxxx is alright. Monsieur Van Der Sexxxx is alright too. However, I do not wish to be humiliated in front of strangers or lecturers. So, if you please, stop calling me such names. I wouldn't be telling you this in such a polite manner if I did not treat you guys as friends. I do not know if you find me an easy target, but if you do, then too bad for you. That's because I really have no idea when I will explode and rough things up. I'm quite sure you wouldn't want me to do that. Thank you and have a nice day ahead.

Halloween was filled with lies, mostly on my part. But hey, everybody lies. It's not possible to tell the truth every single time. On a more negative note, I figured lying has become an instinctive thing for me. There's this word currently eluding my mind and it describes that primal instinct. Oh yeah, Habit.

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It's that time of the year again. November.

Since time immemorial, I've been strangely connected to this month, strangely affectionately connected. There are 12 months in a year and with the exception of november, I am pretty much the same person for the year, albeit a few changes here and there. However, when November inevitably saunters into my life, everything changes.

Last year, November was a month of grief and regret, yet at the same time inspirational and breathtaking. The previous year, November was a month during which I studied for the O levels and had astral projections and strange prophetic dreams. For those of you in the private sector, Astral projection is a term used to describe the mythical phenomenon where your "soul" escapes your body. It's somewhat like a dream, but much more realistic, intense, and short.

Really, it still boils down to this question. What am I going to do this November. I know that I've addressed this previously with the help of a few options, but the point is, I've yet to choose one. And there's no beating about the bush for this, I'll have to choose one soon. So, today, I'm going to give you a more interactive insight on this; a play on percentages and probabilities.

November has 30 days and of these 30 days, 2 have passed. So, that leaves us with 28 days. Of this 28 days, I'll be spending the 3rd, 11th and possibly the 23rd wholly. To make things easier and more realistic, I'll be giving myself another 2 days for other full day activities. That gives us a grand total of 5 days, and leaves us with a meagre 23 days.

A new novel roughly takes 20 days of hard writing; unwavering concentration, passion and inspiration. If I were a robot, this would definitely be possible; definitely meaning 100%. However, I am only human and upon analysing my writing trends, I figure 100% would be 95% impossible. This also means that I'll have a 5% chance of completing a new novel in 20 days. However, I have 23 days instead of 20, a rough estimate of 15% more time. So, instead of being 85% completed by the 17th day, I now can afford to be 85% complete after 20 days. Although it does not drastically increase my chances of completing the novel, the chance of me not completing the novel inevitably decreases. So, what is this percentage? This is when interaction comes in, and you post your answers as comments (assuming all variables given remain consistent and there will not be new variables introduced)

To be continued in 5 hours' time because I've got to rush off to meet my project group members.

Halloween is in three hours time, at least according to the local time zone (local being Singapore). Personally, I've never viewed Halloween as a notable event or occasion. But that's probably because I've never gotten to celebrate it. When I was younger, trick or treat was just another activity characters participate in on television shows (both fictitious and non-fictitious).

These characters always dressed up in seemingly malicious costumes and scare each other, only to end up rewarding each other with calories-filled delicacies. As I got older, I learnt that halloween was an occasion actually celebrated by real people, not that I expected anything less from the dreary yet exciting world we exist in.

I also learnt that not many of our local friends celebrated this occassion. Whether it's the bustling society we thrive in or the lack of interest and time, Halloween was an event rarely noticed. But of course, I WAS merely a ten year old when I came to that conclusion. Now, Singapore is so multicultural that a halloween party isn't much of a blue moon. This brings me to the Samhain orgy to be held at school tomorrow.

As some of you may already know, I am looking forward to it. Why? Why look forward to something you've never celebrated before in your grand eighteen years of existance? Well, I was invited by a certain someone whose identity I am disinclined to reveal. Then again, most of the people reading this are intelligent enough to decipher my subtly hidden message. Not so subtle now, are we?

But of course, shit happens. And life never ever fails to wipe it using our corporeal and ethereal entities as pieces of toilet paper. I'm crossing my fingers (no, not the two middle ones, although I'd be doing it if shit really does happen) and hoping that all's well ends well. 

Like that stupid drink they used to sell in supermarkets :)


Happy Halloween!